kiwifruit's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mr. Sandman It is never a good idea for one wracked with anxiety to read either of the following before bed: 1. Fashion magazines: You will only be reminded that not only are you not thin and beautiful enough, that your hair is almost never perfectly blown out, you have hangnails and there is no such thing as throwing together the perfect �after work date look� for anything less than $800. You will also become obsessed with owning that gorgeous bag, shoe, pair of pants or lip gloss right now even though it�s 12:30 in the morning and there are no stores open. Ahh�but there is always shopping online! You will be tempted to crawl out of bed and visit some web site where you will place said �must have� item into your virtual shopping basket, calculate shipping, and just before you push the �submit� you will have a moment of consciousness where you realize you just can�t, cannot purchase the item you must have if you are ever going to sleep again in your life. 2. Self help books: You will suddenly become obsessed with finding your �true, authentic self� in the wee hours of the night. You will become so frantic that you feel as though your heart is climbing its way out of your body through your throat. You will vow to start making changes right away. The only problem is, there isn�t much you can change other than your pajamas at one in the morning. This will make you very upset. This will make you very anxious. You will worry that all this resolve will disappear once the sun rises. Another opportunity missed. Another reason you are precisely where you are in your life which is (according to the book) nowhere. You will make lists in your head (or on your bedside pad if you�re a seasoned pro at this sort of stuff). These lists will consist of all you must do in order to find your true self (who is definitely not the person who was just shopping online). You must volunteer, write more, be nicer to your friends and family, accept yourself as you are, do yoga, practice breathing through your nose, save the world and all that sort of stuff. As you are writing the voice in back of your head is screaming that none of this will ever happen�half the time you have trouble breathing at all. Period. Then you will roll over and try and listen to the sounds of the city below your window. You will stuff your head in the crook of C.�s arm. You will think of the times this winter when you slept alone in the loft bed of boss-woman�s office. About how you used to wake up in the morning and reach out and find nothing there...no man, no job, no cat. This will make you feel better and you will (eventually) fall asleep. 5:26 p.m. - 2003-05-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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