kiwifruit's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- April Fools When I�m away this long it�s hard to know where to pick up and start again. I have an excuse; I was very busy�new job, new apartment, moving back in with C., no real computer access for a few weeks. So there are my excuses, but really it felt good to not feel bad about the fact that I wasn�t creating anything. I was just happy to be getting up to go to work each day, to feel like a �normal� person again (or as normal as a person ever is). To wake up in the morning, put on New York 1 and listen to the news while the coffee brews, to have all my things around me�my clothes, my pictures, my furniture, my caf� au lait cups from Italy. It has been pure heaven. So how did I get here? When I last wrote spring was just teasing us, and now it�s here although (of course) it�s April 1st and it�s cold outside. But this is the cold that�s fleeting, you can stand it because you know that it�s fleeting, it doesn�t settle in your bones it only reminds you to dig out your gloves, to not put away your winter coat just yet. I got up this morning and C. and I did our usual cuddle session, the coffee maker purred, and I purred. But things are different now, not different bad, different good. C. and I are very happy together, but we lead our own lives. I do my thing, he does his�it�s an important lesson learned, that another human being can�t be your everything, because it�s too much pressure for one person and hey, let�s face it, if they�re your everything and they leave, you feel as though you�re left with nothing. Speaking of course from experience here. I can look back on the last four months and say in hindsight that it was a good thing, that it taught me a lot of valuable lessons. It�s easy to do that now, of course I wouldn�t want to go through it again. And of course there is always the worry that over time I�ll forget these valuable lessons, but I think they finally may have been hammered into my head to stay. When you find yourself, there you are. You may not all together like what you find, but at least you�ve found it. I am happy. I am not perfect. My life isn�t perfect, my body isn�t perfect (I gained 15 of the 20 pounds I lost back, I�d be a liar if I said this wasn�t difficult for me), my job isn�t perfect (I still get paid crap to work very hard, but I do love what I do�it�s a start), my relationship isn�t perfect (although it�s pretty damn good). It�s 8:30 in the morning, I�m drinking my coffee and thinking about everything I have to do today, I�m thinking about my lists of �to do�s�, my bills, my annoying hang nails, my root grow out�but I�m satisfied, and for the first time in ages I feel safe. I feel like I can breathe. Life is never easy, but sometimes it�s easier. La di da. La di da. 8:37 a.m. - 2003-04-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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