kiwifruit's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There Aint No Cure For Love Oh sure, I talk a big game. Here�s the thing, in the words of many sage gurus (Leonard Cohen and my mother included) �There aint no cure for love�. So here�s the breakdown in brief so I don�t bore you to death or make you violently ill� C. and I are officially �back together�. Whatever that means. And I�m not really sure what that means�because how do you go from knowing for sure that the other person will always be there�in your bed, in your life, to take you to breakfast, to be your date for every miserable �must have a date� occasion�to this limbo place, where you�ve lost love, then found it, but you can�t breathe because you know it could go again soon, very soon and there you are again. I won�t lie; it�s not an all-together pleasant place to be. And considering the limbo the rest of my life is in, it is pure hell often times. But�there aint no cure for love. And I love him. So what are you gonna do? Well, if you�re me, you dump him, read him the riot act, cut him out of your life forever, go sleep with the 25-year old and then you get the phone call�you get several phone calls actually, because you had the foresight to dump him while he was across the country giving him a full week to think about it. And he calls. And he calls. And he calls. And finally on Sunday night he calls as he�s about to board a plane and he sounds very scared, and he tells you that he didn�t want to get on the plane before he talked to you. Because he�s scared. Scared the plane might crash and burn. Scared he�s lost you forever. And when he�s made it safely back to New York you talk and you tell him (again) that you can�t be with someone who can�t say that they want to be with you regardless�regardless of what turmoil your life is in, regardless of how insecure you are, regardless of everything. You can�t be with someone who doesn�t love you as you are, right now, right here. And he says, �Let�s get back together then�, which is the last thing you expected and you�re not even sure you wanted him to say it. But you love him, and here we go again�there aint no cure for love. So here it is�it�s official. You�ve broken the news to everyone. You spent Valentines Day together, you went to Long Island with him for his mother�s birthday, you were pulled aside by each of his four sisters, and by his mother to get the �scoop�. You spent Monday frolicking in the magical snow and joining old friends at Chumley�s for French onion soup and a few games of Jenga. Yes, it�s a reality. But yet, it�s not. Because there he is, in his apartment downtown and you�re too scared to leave even a pair of friggin panties over there even though you�ve spent every night there because hey, you never know right? It could all end tomorrow and there you�d be, minus your favorite pair of panties. But tonight�s the big whammy. Tonight is a birthday party and everyone will be there. And C. and I will be there as a �couple� for the first time since the big breakup. C. and I discussed this in depth (with our new super mature communication thing in full swing), and decided that we should definitely attend together. It is a symbol to everyone, (and to ourselves) that this is real. That we are back together again. That we will stand as a united front. It�s not as though everyone is out to get us�it�s just awkward. But I plan on looking absolutely fabulous and killing em with kindness. It is important to me that I go tonight, it�s important to me that C. wants me to be there tonight. So off we go�riding off into the sunset� In other news I (kind of, sort of) got a job! I hesitate to call it that since the pay is so horrible and it�s only part time to start. But the good news is that it�s in my field and that I see a lot of opportunity in it. I am so excited to wake up Monday morning with an office to go to! I�m trying to look on the bright side of things�I will still be barely scraping by, but hey, it�s a start right? Whew. Leaving C.�s apartment yesterday morning the sun shone down, I could actually bare my skin unfettered by gloves, hat, and scarf to the air. I stopped at Caf� Gitane for my morning coffee and leapt over melting snow banks, walking a little slower, peering in all the windows of the Nolita shops and actually feeling like there was an end in sight. Yes, the sun will shine again, spring will come and the roller coaster of life will continue, but for one glorious moment I felt happy. I felt like things would be all right. It was a delicious feeling! La di da. La di da. 2:19 p.m. - 2003-02-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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