kiwifruit's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Chasing me all around in circles What do I want to write about? Do I want to write about a woman who would rather die than be fat? Or do I want to write about a woman who would choose a few extra pounds over dying? Do I want to write a story about a woman who is so afraid that she hides within herself? That she never tries for anything because she feels she isn�t smart enough or talented enough or good enough? Do I want to tell a story about a woman who let herself be in relationships that are unhealthy, relationships where she isn�t treated with the respect and the love that everyone, everyone�even someone who is having a bit of an identity crisis deserves? Do I want to write about a woman who has such a weak sense of self that she lets other things and other people swallow her alive in a single bite? No. Of course not. Today I broke it off with C. Today I ate a chicken caesar salad, frozen yogurt and steamed veggies and rice. And I kept it down. Today I still felt heartbroken and alone and very, very scared. But I wrote something, and I went to the gym, and I didn�t spend too much time playing solitaire on my computer. And I didn�t respond to C.�s email or his phone call. Because this is what I said to him this morning�I want to be with someone, I deserve to be with someone who loves me for who I am now, not who I�m going to be, not who I once was, but me now. Me with all my insecurities and flaws and fears. I told him that if he truly wanted to be with me then he had to be there for the good and the bad. Not just the good. Not just the fun times. And that is what I want. But first I have to find a way to love myself for all my faults. If I can spend so much time and effort loving C. with all his faults, and forgiving him, and giving him chances when I know I shouldn�t, and ignoring the facts, then surely I can find it within myself to give me those same chances, that same time and energy. I don�t know what will happen, I don�t know what I�m going to do, I don�t know if I�ll ever get to that place where I have my own apartment�the one with the one red wall and the photos of family and friends everywhere and the dog named Sofia. If I�ll have a job that I feel good about, or hell, just a job at all. If I will finally write a book, stop obsessing about my weight�but I have to believe that I will. And I have to know that it isn�t going to just fall from the sky and into my lap. I will have to pull something out of myself (strength, hope, courage) and do my best to get it. Because the only thing worse than failure is knowing that I didn�t really try. I don�t think I can live with that. I know I don�t want to live with that. There are a lot of people who believe I can do this. I just have to become one of those people. 12:56 a.m. - 2003-02-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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