kiwifruit's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- She is nowhere and everywhere New York, New York and the sun is shining. It is good to be home. It is bittersweet to be home. But as Christy and I careened out of the Northeast Kingdom in her old Mercedes with the creaky door early yesterday morning the sun started to shine and we turned the radio on and sang along full blast�I started to feel like myself again. I missed myself. There is something about going �home� to Vermont. No. There are several things about going �home� to Vermont. The first of which is this�it doesn�t feel like home. I don�t get that nostalgic tug at my heart. I mean in theory I do, but the reality is quite different. It seems that after around 24 hours in the NEK I lose all the aspects of my self that I�ve worked so hard to achieve over the years�my strength, my self-esteem�and I become an insecure child again. By hour 48 I am a total basket case. I almost forget that my life in New York exists, that despite everything that has gone down lately, I am am happy with who I am. I am proud of who I am. And I love New York. New York is my home. I can breathe in New York. And the eating in Vermont�I can�t stop stuffing things in my face. And then I feel worse. While I could probably stand the five pounds I inevitably packed on, it is still very difficult. So I�m home again. 9:35 AM, the deli just delivered my coffee and orange juice. It is sunny. I will head to the gym in a few minutes for a pilates class. I will do my laundry. I will write something. And I will breathe. In through the nose. Out through the nose. Belly breaths. In. Out. And yes, I will miss C. And yes, I will feel lonely sometimes. But at least I will have my self to keep me company. Last night I went to the movies by myself and was in bed by 11PM. As lonely as this sounds�and hey, let�s face it, it kind of was�I was so happy to be home. Christmas is over and I only have New Year�s to tackle and then I�m out of the water until Valentine�s day�but we won�t worry about that now. That�s a whole other ball of wax. I�ll buy myself some lovely cabbage roses or some tulips and I�ll drink a bottle of champagne with a girlfriend. While in Vermont I slept with the male model again. Something tells me, no boss-man told me, that this would not make him particularly pleased. But what he doesn�t know won�t hurt him. It seems a bit premature to be making any kind of demands on my person. Besides�it was well worth it to see male-model dancing around naked to the theme song of Sponge Bob, Square Pants. That ladies and gents, was the highlight of my trip home. If he wasn�t holed up in Vermont obsessing about the siding for the house he�s building in the spring I�d probably be all over his shit. Well, maybe� Just returned from pilates and a few good sun salutations�feel good. Did I mention the sun is shining? My laundry is in the machine, I am eating a power bar and drinking more coffee and lots of water. Tonight I am going to see The Hours with boss-man and then to Bar Pitti for dinner. I will admit that I think of him an awful lot. Who knows what Miami will bring�I will either be totally smitten or ready to crawl out of my skin. Let�s just hope the weather cooperates. And then it�s back to New York. Back to a new year, a new life, a new apartment and (God willing) a new job in the near future. I miss C. I dream about him. He comes to me in my slumber and tells me that he can�t leave. I am getting used to not having him in my life. I am getting used to the idea that I will never hold him again. I am bracing myself for the time that I will inevitably run into him on the street. Hopefully it will be spring then. Hopefully it will be warm and I will not feel too much like someone reached inside me and kneaded my insides like bread dough. While in Vermont Christy showed me a picture of us taken at Luke and Carol�s wedding�my mom and I are glowing, huge smiles on our faces. C. sits to my left, too far away with a weird false smile on his face. He looks sick, he looks tired, he looks like he has fallen out of love. Geez. I never saw it. And life goes on�la di da. La di da.
12:25 p.m. - 2002-12-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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