kiwifruit's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You are a china shop, and I am a bull Okay, I�m really ready for this all to be over. 6:48 pm. The really bad time. The time in between whatever plans I�ve made for the night and the daylight hours. The time when all the sad songs scream out from my CD collection, �Play me! No play me! No! I�ll really fuck you up�play me!�. Of course truth be told, the daylight hours aren�t that much better. And then there�s the really late night hours�those suck too. I wake up in the morning feeling angry. I go to bed at night feeling sad. And everything in between is just a fight with myself�don�t ask any questions. Don�t think about what you could have done differently. Don�t feel sad. Don�t feel mad. In fact, just don�t feel anything at all. And in between all of this is the constant fear. The fear that I won�t make it. The fear that I will sooner or later (probably sooner judging by the size of my bank account) I will have to give up, throw in the towel, call it a day. When you don�t have anything to hold onto it�s very easy to lose your grip. And what did I do wrong? And what could I have done differently? And why, oh why oh why did this all happen. Or if you want to get to the nitty gritty�why did it happen at all, in the first place? Why did I let myself fall for a man who I knew had issues? Why did I move in with him? Why did I stick with him through all his bullshit? Why did I give up my power? Why did I stay even though I knew things weren�t going to get better? And why did I lie to myself and everyone about it all over and over and over again. Why did I stay up until 3 am, sleepless, tossing and turning and crying and raging and knowing he was going to come home stumbling drunk? Why or when did I convince myself that this was okay? And why did I ever let myself end up in this situation�no money, no job, no place to live? Oh, but right. I�m not supposed to be asking those questions. So�6:58 pm. An hour to go until I put myself in a cab down to Tribeca to hang out with boss-man. Last night I put myself in a cab to midtwon to hang out with leather-pants man. And they are all really lovely�but c�mon, we all know what this is all about right? Right. The fear of being alone with oneself for just one lousy second. Because then out comes the sad songs and the bottle of wine and the questions and the fear and the anger. Ooh boy, this is fun isn�t it?
7:04 p.m. - 2002-12-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||