kiwifruit's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Losing love is like a window in your heart, Everybody sees you're blown apart Okay, I�m ready for it all to stop now. It�s been fun and all, but enough already. This heartbreak crap is really tedious. I have been running and now I realize I am going to have to let it all catch up with me. Well�that just sucks. Saturday night I went to a holiday party with Patrick. An old friend greeted me with a kiss on the cheek and �Merry Christmas�. Oh Christ, it isChristmas isn�t it? Tis the season to be jolly. I�ve been trying to pretend that all the trees lined up on the streets didn�t really exist. I�ve been trying to ignore the throngs of holiday shoppers juggling huge shopping bags. I look the other way when I see the twinkle of Christmas lights. This isn�t really happening. This isn�t really happening. This isn�t really happening. But I guess it is. Anyway, at this party with Patrick I see lots of old faces but by the time I arrive (after getting out of work) they are all in various states drunkenness n� such. I see a former couple who were once the poster children for loving bliss. When Patrick and I were together they always seemed so solid. After five years together he finally proposed after much pressure from her. Then she panicked. Then she started making out with random men and women. A few months after their engagement, and blessedly before the invites to their Jamaican nuptials were sent out, she dumped him. Go figure. So here they were, a year and a half later, both at the same party and both representing different sides to the how one deals with heartbreak coin. She was fall down, break glasses, make out with strangers blotto. He was quiet and sober and seeming very sad. And as I watched this nightmare play out, I realized I would much rather be handling things his way a year down the road than her way. So I know I have to sober up, start feeling things, stop trying not to think or feel�because either way, it�s all going to catch up with you at some point. And in the end I realize that I can�t fall apart here. I have the opportunity to build a new life and quite possibly a much better life. I just have to fecking deal. Of course that�s easier said than done. But I guess this year I�ll have the Granddaddy of all resolutions lists. Back to the gym. Back to the job search. Back to the drawing board. But this weekend wasn�t really a good example of my turning over a new leaf. I am considering getting out of dodge for a bit, heading North to the land of snow and not much else. Then again, Vermont always makes me break out in hives. So then I�d have bad skin to add to my list of maladies. But honestly, things are a bit rough going here right now. The last thing I want to do is run away�well, okay, running away to a tropical island doesn�t sound so bad�but I am not sure I�ve got what it takes to swing it right now. No job. No man. No cat. No apartment. No equilibrium. No sleep. No energy. No balance. No sense of safety. No� You get the picture. Maybe, possibly I can reach deep down inside, past the shards and remnants of my heart, past the emptiness of my stomach�deep, deep down where there is still some strength and determination and hopefulness. It�s gotta be in there somewhere. 12:51 p.m. - 2002-12-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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