kiwifruit's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- He says. She says. This is the funny thing. As much as it�s stereotyped that men really have no clue what�s really going on, we�d all like to think otherwise. I mean, surely they can�t be that stupid. Can they?! Well, actually yes. Yes they can. And more so. Here�s how the story goes. Kind of a �he says, she says� sort of thing. A few years ago when I was madly, insanely and ridiculously in love with Patrick (oh lord, not this again) I remember very clearly a party we attended towards the end of our first round of the relationship (there being two rounds, maybe three depending on how you choose to slice the pie). It was fall, probably around this time of year actually and we started the evening off on the rooftop of someone�s apartment in SOHO. We were arguing throughout the night�can�t really remember what about. It wasn�t a full on argument where either of us really had a point or a purpose, it was just arguing because (in my mind) we both saw the obvious writing on the wall. Any-hoo, I remember very clearly feeling quite unattractive, feeling like maybe I was getting a bit too voluptuous (i.e. fat). Because of course, whenever a relationship starts to falter I automatically start to blame it on something I can measure, something I can get my head around�the scale. No need to go into how seriously fucked up this is. I�m quite aware thank you very much. Any-hoo, I felt Patrick slipping away. He wasn�t really present�I felt like I was fighting for him. Fighting and losing. After the rooftop party we traveled uptown to a friend�s b-day party. I remember Patrick lost his wallet somewhere in transit. I of course blamed myself. At Julie�s I felt so miserable I could barely contain myself. I was sitting there drinking a gin and tonic, it being Julie�s favorite cocktail and it being her birthday, my only choice. It struck me with sudden painful clarity that Patrick and I weren�t going to make it. That this love that only a few months earlier had made me gush, �Suddenly I see what all the fuss is about�, was really not enough to sustain a relationship. I was sure as I sat there smoking cigarettes out the window that soon it would all come to an end. It broke my heart to be honest. I can remember how torn apart I felt to this day. And if you asked anyone else in that room that night I�m sure that they too would recall the beginning of the end. Because as much as people say otherwise, it�s really fecking annoying to see this ridiculously happy couple cooing at each other all the time�and once it all starts to crumble people feel much more at ease. And on that night Patrick and I were very obviously starting to crumble. Okay, that�s the �she says� version. I got an email from Patrick today, and as is always the case with my exes (well, just Patrick and The Feet really) the email volley turned slightly sentimental (I guess I always look much more attractive in hindsight). Julie just had another birthday party this past weekend that I couldn�t make partly because I knew Patrick would be there. So I asked him about the party and he started to trip the light fandango�talking about that party a few years ago and how gorgeous I looked and blah, blah, blah. I really couldn�t believe it and responded as such. I believe I said something to the effect of�it being a �pretty hateful scene�. He had no idea. He was baffled. Maybe it�s just that we remember things more clearly. Maybe it�s just that we remember things as we choose to recall them. Maybe it�s easier that way. But now, two years later I remember that night as the first time I realized this earth shattering, ridiculously joyous form of love wasn�t going to save anything and he remembers it as the night I looked �hot� in a pair of jeans and our newly outed friend chose to revel in his gayness. It�s a wonder any relationships ever work out. La di da. La di da.
12:35 a.m. - 2002-10-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||