kiwifruit's Diaryland Diary

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The ghost of Christmas past ...

Ho. Ho. Hoooooo boy �

Are the holidays over yet? I am feeling fat and frazzled and like I need to enter a detox center come January 2cnd. Anyone else with me? Maybe we can get a group discount.

Work today was a fecking nightmare. When my condescending new boss says to me (or actually to my tits which is where he directs all conversation), �I need to talk to you about your writing � you�re a very good writer �� And I�m waiting for the �but� here. So we had a meeting this afternoon where he basically did what he always does, tear apart my technical writing skills. Which frankly, between you, me, and anyone else who cares to listen, isn�t really the worst things anyone�s ever said to me. My new boss has a �system� you see, where he feels compelled to edit anything and everything anyone writes so that he can feel superior. I especially love it when I send him a document in which I use word for word something he has written previously and he tears it apart. Hee hee. I get a special joy out of this. As I sit there with an intent look on my face and nod and agree with all his criticisms. So, after he gives me the �You�re a good writer� bit yet again I say to him. �Look. You don�t need to tell me I�m a good writer. I know I�m a good writer. I�m just not experienced in this kind of writing�. In other words the kind of dry, boring, ridiculously repetitive schlock that is now required of me. Unfortunately this kind of writing is also the kind of writing that is currently paying the bills (though freelance gigs still roll in which is lovely when I can manage to finish them without having a nervous breakdown). Lovely.

Immediatley following my humbling little tongue lashing I called C. and whined. He asked me if I wasn�t �dramatizing� things a bit. Geez, thanks. But then again, he does have a point. I figure as long as my new boss likes to stare at my tits, my job is probably safe. Besides, having me around lets him have the pleasure of talking down to someone every day and I think he finds lots of joy in that. But C. called a while ago to ask me if I wanted to go on a �date� which means (gasp) just the two of us out to dinner, which we haven�t done in what seems like ages.

Course, don�t think I don�t know the real issue here. The fact that not so deep inside I fear my boss may be right. And maybe I am a hack writer. And maybe I�ll end up living on Top Ramen because I�ll never be good at anything.

# # #

Okay, it�s Friday now and while I should be feeling great relief to have a four day weekend and be free of that hell we call work. But instead I am feeling sad because I know my mom is out there feeling pain I can�t even begin to imagine. And nothing, NOTHING I do can fix it. And sometimes, a lot of the time actually, I really miss him too. I see Jim sitting in his chair one leg bent at the knee and crossed over the other, wearing the same levis, work boots, and flannel shirt (in the winter, tee shirt in the summer), I hear the click of his butane lighter, I hear him say, �How ya doin� ki?� � and I can�t believe he�s gone. I can�t believe that life is going on in a somewhat normal state. And I wish that I�d had the chance to thank him � to thank him for loving my mom so unconditionally, for being such an incredible father to my brother, for being the voice of reason when my mom and I lost our heads and fought over stupid things. And more than anything I wish for the chance to hug him, to smell him, to tell him that I love him, to tell him that I appreciate him and to not feel awkward or stupid doing so. And no matter how many Christmas gifts I buy for my mom, or how many times I call her in the mornings as I walk to the subway, I can�t get that. I can�t bring him back so he can complain about having to go get the Christmas tree for my mom, and to gripe about the gifts and about how we should show people we care for them all the time, not just one day a year. And I wonder if somewhere he is watching and knows that I am trying to keep it all together and find a spot where I can not feel hypocritical in missing him, and try not to romanticize reality. I know he didn�t always approve of everything I did, or of my values � But I hope that I meant something to him, that he knows he meant something to me.

12:12 a.m. - 2001-12-22

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