kiwifruit's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A wrinkle in time Oh yuck. I have been deathly sick for days (really sick, not just fake, I need some time off, pansy sick). In bed, feeling like I am floating on a cloud drugged out of my mind sick. Sick - hacking up my phlegmy lungs sick. Sick - no cigarettes, no booze, no dairy sick. Eeeeew. Then, back to work yesterday, in a mad panic with everything I might have missed, feeling like a bad employee, failure ... No time to update page or read others. Then ... I open up dear Nick's page today and she tells me to "keep my legs shut". Feh! As if. Sorry ladies if you all think I am a huge, mindless Ho. I hate to disappoint but I probably put more thought in to sex and who I do or do not sleep with than most women. Really. Just because I am honest, just because I talk about it, just because I have kissed random men, does NOT mean I am sprawling out in beds all over the city. I mean really, this isn't an episode of Sex and the City, and I am not Samantha. Just because I talk about several men does not mean I am sleeping with all (or any) of them. I will admit to mistakes, I will admit to regrets, but I bristle at the fact that you seem to think I am as loose as a goose. I am no virgin - but really. Grrrr. Let's not judge others just because they don't lead their lives as we choose to live ours. Now ... I am sending this out in a loving tone, so no one get their panties in a bunch okay? Sorry ... I am probably going through Sudafed or Nyquil withdrawal right now. And since my love life is on the block here ... let me just say that it sucks dry Styrofoam right now. I am dissatisfied, disappointed, disgruntled ... just generally "dis-everything-ed". The feet never called (guess he wanted me to ponder that "bad guy" thing for a REALLY long time huh? Or maybe he decided he COULD be the bad guy). Industrial boy is a thorn in my side. I still mope about it, but what can I do? I did everything humanly possible (and then some) with this one. I did manage to be nice to him yesterday and today (which I am proud of). Being sick hasn't helped any, I have felt and looked like shit, just when I want to look fabulous and act unaffected by it all. I haven't called or emailed, but it is torture. New Zealand is still around, but I can't be bothered. (Well, he just brought me a frappuccino so he is on my good side now) And Investment Banker is driving me nuts with his neediness. Just because he has time to spend with me right now (a first), does not mean that I suddenly have all the time in the world to spend with him. Christ - I liked it when he had to work until 3AM. Sigh. I have to admit I feel in a bit of a slump. Maybe it is my failing health (which is slowly making a comeback), or maybe it is the fact that in a few short months I will be (gulp) 30. Am I losing my edge here? Am I going to be a dried up single, cat lady (as my mother seems to think)? So I have been trying to spend more time doing positive things for myself. I have been trying to read more and get back to the gym (almost 30 you know, my ass is going to hit the floor). You know, the whole "turn over a new leaf because you have been dissed syndrome". I could change my hair color I suppose (but not again - and I can't afford it right now). Shopping always helps - but even that is uninspiring and buying Fall clothes when it's a sweaty 90 degrees out is depressing. Guess I will just have to live with myself - Drats! All this time ... what I am REALLY thinking is - I need new blood. Someone exciting and challenging. Oh please - if I am seriously thinking this what I REALLY need is a lobotomy. 17:42:05 - 2000-08-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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