kiwifruit's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Another day, another dollar Let the smothering begin ... oh yuck. Michael has started asking me what I am doing EVERY night. And when I respond "staying home" because I pay rent there and love the place, or I want to hang out with Sam or D. or I just want to go window shopping on my own, he doesn't understand. Christ. I suppose it is inevitable, we have been dating for 3 or 4 months now, time for the "c word". Commitment, with a capital C and that rhymes with T and what does that mean? Trouble. I just got an email from him, I am taking Friday off and he is considering doing the same. You see I had this day envisioned which involved nails, gym, shopping ... not couple stuff. The fact remains that I don't really want to be a REAL couple. I mean, eventually he will leave NY and I won't want to. Went to the Widespread Panic concert in the park last night. Hanging out with all those people is exactly what I envison living in Colorado would be like. Or Vermont. No, no, nooooo.... I can't do it. I want to raise little New York babies and VISIT these places. Now, I am totally comfortable dancing around in the mud and rain with the masses, it reminds me of home and of college, and of my parents - I just don't want to do it on a regular basis. The allure of "getting back to nature" and all that other slop is lost on me. People who say I am a snot because of this obviously grew up watching Brady Bunch or whatever on TV. I am willing to bet that they all had TV, electricity, running water (hot and cold!), flushing toilets, electric stoves, etcetera. Now, I did not, so taking a crap in the bushes or reading by firelight holds no allure or mystery for me. I lived this already. I am not sorry, or even bitter - I just don't want to do it again. So now I am listening to Ani D. again. Trying to get inspired to do some more work. It is 6:30PM. Seeing Industrial boy every day is tearing away at my gut but I am surviving. I have not sent any emails, made any phone calls. I do of course wish every day/night that he would realize the mistake he made and call or email me (so not happening). Today I was sitting in the hall talking to Chree on the phone filling her in with the details of my sad and sorry love life she was telling me it was all for the best and I was saying "Yeah I know, but shit - he was so cute and smart and funny" when who should walk in to the hall but that very cute, smart, funny dick wad, just in time to hear me whining away (very nice Kiwi). I am so smooth. I am going to make an effort to look like a human being tomorrow though, I can't wear my Adidas flip flops one more day it is getting embarrasing. Talked to Candi today. Life. It happens, and man is it a bitch. Apartment hunting, husbands, failing relationships. When it rains it pours. But I know she will be fine. All this without smoking (brave girl). I can't make it through a night with out a glass of wine and cigarettes. Sam and I worshipping the devil phone Gods and trying not to drown our sorrows in make-you-fat food. My only fear is that Candi will go the same way as Nick and run like hell out of this city. I don't see them nearly enough, but it is nice to know that they are close. Meanwhile, Nick is living the life of leisure. Mani/pedi, tanning, home-made food. Can't wait to go visit her in Boston. Can't wait until she is rich and famous and we can drink good wine and laugh about all this shit. Oh, by the way, when I went for drinks with The Feet (he hasn't called since I saw him on Monday btw - but he will - RIGHT?!!?), we talked about how much both of us wanted to stay in NY forever and raise our children here. Now ... I am not insane, I am not getting ahead of myself here, but it was nice to hear. There really is a man (at least) one who wants to do the same things I do with my life. Ugh. Industrial boy sighting. Oh, it hurts. Gotta go drink wine and moan now. 19:46:10 - 2000-08-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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