kiwifruit's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Viva apologies Raining. Wet. Yuck. Up until 3:30 AM on the phone with Industrial boy. Tragic. Tragic, how I cannot stop this. Probably because I see him every day. I come in to work ready to ignore him and then ... then there he is and I can't help myself and I feel like an idiot. My forehead should be bloodied from pounding my head against a wall. Sometimes I think that this is what I get for attempting to date out of my league. Really I don't get this guy (probably why I like him so much). He is so smart and he seems like a decent human being ... but my judgement on these matters has not always been accurate. I am on a crash course for humiliation and heartbreak but I can't help myself. Butterflies. Isn't that what Carrie on Sex and the City said we were all seeking? The drama? Is it true that a relationship in which everything is right bores us to tears? We never want to be the member of a club that would actually have us? So here I sit, well in to the work day, facing the possibility of being thrown aside for Industrial boy's meetings and his search for suede cubes to furnish someone's home. But I have butterflies, and there is Birthday cake here that I cannot eat because of them, so this is a good thing. Really - he is quite an amazing human being, and it kills me, KILLS ME that I cannot have him. Good for the ol' ego I say, a little rejection. Sigh. In other news ... I am shocked, appalled at the pornographic nature of my discussion board. Yuck. Yuck, yuck, yuck folks. I mean really, does anyone realize that my PARENTS read this page?!!? And although I have always been very, very open with them about all things gross and sleazy in my life, this is a bit much. Really. Yuck. Stop the insanity. I am a nice girl here. So... Nick is leaving us on Friday. Packing up and driving to BeanTown. I thought she was going to be staying for the weekend, but I guess her situation with k (the evil sorority girl roomie) is too out of hand. I am saddened by this. Even more so because I missed her Birthday dinner and now feel generally like a bad friend. I had planned on trying to get together with her and maybe others on Friday for some sort of send off. (I will flog myself with a horsehair whip later). I am not writing this just to appease, I really do feel badly. Nick and Candi have both said they understand the craziness in my life right now. Work has taken over my days and nights and of course (bad friend) any free time I squander away on trysts with stupid boys/men. I made plans to meet Loose on Tuesday and she threatened (all too seriously) to harm me if I cancelled. So I am considering telling my boss that getting out on Tuesday at a decent hour is an absolute necessity (life or death, Doctor appointment or something). I really want to be there for people, I HATE it when I am disappointed by others. And I despise that aspect of myself. But I feel stretched so thin with work, and a roommate who hates to be alone, and girlfriends here and there (Chree is taking the Bar again today and I haven't had a chance to speak to her other than via voicemail), and of course the ubiquitous boy situation which I am sure I put far too much time and energy in to. Yeah, Mom, I know you are shaking your head in emphatic agreement ... but it WAS you that said to me on Sunday morning that it didn't look like I was EVER going to get married or have kids (uh thanks). After THAT conversation I was taking the train home, reading Vogue, trying to dull my pain by drooling over the new Fall shoes and Prada collection (sigh) ... then I am forced to read an article about some Ms. Perfect, "I work for Jimmy Choo, I am 30, I am marrying a perfect man" - as she ponders the ever-important question ... "Whatever will I wear to the rehearsal dinner, to cocktails, to the wedding?" Puleez. Feck it. Oh we all know I am just jealous. Considered throwing myself in front of a moving subway but decided I had to live long enough to actually be able to afford something from Prada (which will be a very long time indeed). Anyway - I am over it. I have received TWO wedding invites in the mail this summer, I am fine with this. whimper. Really, I can't commit to a guy for a month, much less a lifetime. So ... I will try to be more available to some, less available to others. I will practice saying "NO" when I know it is an impossibility schedule-wise. I will try to slow down a bit and do things like laundry and floor mopping. I will drink less wine, smoke fewer cigarettes, stop picking my zits, read more books, write more, exercise more, breathe more ... Oh hell, I will just try to treat others as I would like to be treated (except men, who I will NEVER pretend to understand and who deserve any bullshit I can dish out because it is only fair with all the shit they give us). To end on a vacuous note ... MAC Viva Glam 3 lipstick. Must be purchased, the BEST color for Fall. Trust me on this one, if on nothing else.
17:53:10 - 2000-07-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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