kiwifruit's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- No more Industrial Boy Okay I started the day out drowning in self-pity. This was well-deserved self-pity. I have been chasing this asshole (Industrial boy) around for over a month for no good reason (other than an incredible brain, sense of humor, talent, oh yeah ... and he looks like Brad Pitt - feck). And he has been bouncing me around like a yo-yo and tweaking every nerve in my body (both in a good and bad sense). And I have to look at his stupid fucking face every day, and I have to stare covertly at him and smile knowingly and fantasize about storage room trysts. And then sometimes he looks at me and I want to cry and sometimes he kisses me and I get all fucked in the head. But no more! These hour and a half phone conversations and a few lame trysts are not making me a happy or very well-balanced girl. I am not such an ego-maniac that I think every man must fall madly in love with me - so I asked him the other day, if he was just not interested (I mean, hey, it happens to the best of us). He insists this is NOT the case, so I don't know what the story is ... but I have got to stop caring, because it is making me insane. Last night he didn't call when he said he would, and it is just one in a long line of him being a complete flake. I mean, I don't even want a RELATIONSHIP with this guy. Really I would just be happy to be good friends who fondle eachother once in awhile (isn't this every guy's dream?). I already have what is dangerously close to a boyfriend (theoretically) with the Investment Banker. So I come in to the office this morning and he acts as if nothing is wrong and I come very close to losing my cool. But then I just send him an email stating "I give up. I admit defeat." And surprise, surprise I get no response and he acts just as he always does towards me. This guy is so very good at the mind fuck. Hell, I may have never physically fucked him but my mind has been drilled by this guy. So forget it. Really. So ... last night, sitting on the couch still eating cheese and crackers (very stale at this point) from the party and drinking red wine (new favorite food group). I had decided to dry out this week, and I HAVE cut back in that I haven't gone out and had vodka or stayed up until three in the morning (oh shit, I did that too but I was IN bed, not in a bar or at the Investment Banker's house). So any-hoo I am waiting for Sam to get back from acting class and I am staring madly at the phone (cell and regular lined up like two evil little devil soldiers on the coffee table). So I call Industrial because he was possibly going to come for a visit (we all know how THAT panned out). So ... I let my fingers do the walking and I make a call way deep, deep back in to my unrequited, unsolved, better left alone past. We're talking seventeen/eighteen years old here folks. I leave a message. He called back today. Oh my, what a fine puddle of piss I have landed in this time. Still ... this is a guy who I was obsessed with. I fell in love with this man's feet, before I ever saw another inch of him. I remember clearly standing in the foyer of a family friend's house and watching him come down the stairs (feet first, cuz isn't how it always happens?). Tanned, bare feet, with little blond hairs and frayed khaki covered ankles - sigh. Really, this was never a productive relationship. But I never got what I wanted out of it. So of course I have to beat a dead horse or however that saying goes ... Plus, I will admit that I want him to see how very together and mature I am now, how much more secure than I used to be. Now come on, this will be fun won't it? If this isn't a recipe for disaster then I don't know WHAT is! Walk with me kiddies ... this ought to beat all. Oh and Dad, if you have guessed who this is, then I do not want to hear what an ass he is, cuz I know this already and I've known it for years and it has never stopped me before has it? Besides, I get a sick pleasure out of this whole mess, and now that I have sworn of of Industrial boy because it is just too difficult, I need someone else to steal all peace of mind I might have. Going now, out to Sin Sin for drink with co-workers, will get home early though to worship the two phone Gods and fondle the caller ID. 19:44:12 - 2000-07-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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