kiwifruit's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- But seriously folks ... A little bird told me that the pages of my diary have lacked content as of late. Said that I was beginning to sound like Parker Posey in Party Girl. Only difference being that she didn't work - which, if you recall the movie, isn't true. She was a librarian. So ... pffttt to you little bird. Any -hoo. I will try and fill this page with content. Can I tell you how lately I have bee feeling a dull heartache and not sure why. Everything in my life is so blissfully perfect never before has everything been so good - I am overwhelmed. I don't know what to do with my self so I am constantly laughing and feeling like I should cry or vice-versa. I am not used to such a happy state. It confuses me. Especially since this state is not induced by those little green and white pills I took for so many years (Prozac to the uninitiated). I love my job, I love my friends, I love where I live, I almost love myself (most of the time). Scary stuff. Of course there are always those little doses of reality that trip me up. I am still constantly hounded by regrets. I think of all the men I have slept with (we won't get in to numbers here). Then I think of the men I don't regret sleeping with (I'm not talking about wanting to kill myself regret here - just little pangs). It is astounding the discrepancy in these two figures. I wonder why I and so many of my smart, strong, beautiful friends experience this. I have sworn to myself that I will wait until I am in love, or at least THINK I am in love before I take this plunge again. This explains poor Investment Banker's case of blue balls. I told him if he had only met me earlier this would never have happened - I mean, it's been TWO months that's practically an eternity in kiwi time. Maybe I just have more self-respect lately. Or maybe I have just wised up, or maybe I am just TIRED of failed relationships. I like to think of myself as smart and strong. I like to think I don't take anyone's shit (especially that of a man). But anyone who knows me at all knows this is not the case. Please, we have all been there. Love (or good sex) makes us do stupid things. Jon called the other day. He makes me sad every time I talk to him. He also makes me cringe. I think of what bad judgement I used in that situation. He is working at a strip club now (bartending) while his acting "career" flounders. He is thinking of leaving NY at the end of next month. We have all witnessed people who cannot make it in NY. New York can breed a special kind of desperate unhappiness. I know this from personal experience. I can remember sitting on Barry's balcony many years ago looking out over the city and knowing I had to leave and feeling so beaten by it all. For those of us who love NY it is hard to admit defeat. Still, I managed to come back and succeed and now I never want to leave. My mother says that barring a natural disaster or chemical warfare she can't picture me leaving. I love this place. There are others who hate it here. It can kick your ass and if you aren't in the mood to fight back it isn't really worth it. So I wish Jon the best and hope he finds whatever he is looking for somewhere else - far, far away from me. He is one of those people who is constantly talking about all the wonderful things he is going to do and then never following through. At first you believe everything he says - then you realize it is all bullshit. Feeling very separated from my friends outside of my work world. It is hard when everyone else leaves work at a decent hour and I never do. They either have to wait around for me or give up on meeting all together. I haven't seen Candi's new boobs yet, Ro's engagement ring, talked to Chrissie about her new home. I haven't seen Nick's since the pregnancy test fiasco. And Loose ... I can't remember the last time I saw her and I know she is having a rough go of things at work right now. As for Lizzie, hopefully I will see her more once I am back in the old hood. It is easy to lose oneself in the whirl of work and work related things. I feel like one of those women who forsakes her friend when she gets a new boyfriend, only my boyfriend is work and that isn't nearly as fun. I offer my humblest of apologies to my friends whom I haven't seen in ages, but at least you can ease your consciences by knowing it is not because of great sex or any such orgasmic moments. Unless you consider competitive research orgasmic (and if you do - you have issues I don't even want to touch on). Speaking of which (not orgasms - research) I have to go do some before I leave the office. I am going to Adam's tonight to pick up the rest of my stuff that is still at his apartment. Now THAT will be fun - wish me luck. Oh christ, he just called and he has been drinking (Adam) so that will make this moment EXTRA SPECIAL. I would rather eat shards of glass than deal with this. Feck. No, worse than feck, FUCK the whole enchilada. 20:10:26 - 2000-06-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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