kiwifruit's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Breathing Lessons There are hoards of women walking around NYC with bloodied, scabbed, wounded feet. Yes, it is that time of year. Time for the new strappy Spring sandals to come out, for us all to say "feck it" to comfort and torture ourselves in contraptions that are not meant for walking, much less the amount of walking we do in NY. We are going through two boxes of band-aids a day in our office. Friday. Friday. Sweet, sweet Friday. Going to get the ubiquitous $6 manicure after work tonight with Deanna. My cuticles are almost as scabbed and scarred as my feet. Meeting Liz at 8PM (such an early start to the evening spells trouble with a capital T). Haven't seen Samara in ages and it will be like old times. V. excited. Have an all girl weekend planned and although this will strap me for cash unlike the male funded weekends of yore, I couldn't be happier. Besides, all these dinners out are killing me. Maybe my feet are just getting fatter?!!? Eeegads. I feel almost human enough to explain my Wednesday night fiasco. But first I must state that I think I am done with the Investment Banker. Not because of Adam, partially because of my guilty conscience but more for these following reasons which together form a big negative in my book. 1. He puts our dinners together on his corporate card. How do I know this? Well ... he was in the shower for a long time and the bill was right on the coffee table and here I am stuck with nothing to do and only Maxim to read. I know, I know I am going straight to hell (we have already confirmed this). 2. He uses a car service on the company all the time - again on his company. These things bother me because a guy making as much money as he does and paying $7,000 a month in rent should not be doing this kind of thing. I mean, I know it is probably all too common and I have had my share of drinks on the company at previous jobs - but ... 3. He has an ex-girlfriend (don't they all) but I think he isn't over it yet. 4. He has weird chest hair. 5. He is the type who tries to talk you in to things you know you shouldn't do (more on this later). This makes me feel weak and stupid (not two of my favorite feelings). 6. This is the clincher ... his background is just WAY too different from mine. I can hold my own in most situations, but his circle is full of all these trust fund baby types who spend all their time and money on getting drunk at stupid charity functions, buying the latest technology in cell phones, and traveling to Europe. I cannot do it. I can pretend, but then I am just spending my whole life acting like I am something I am not and that is bad for a girl's self-esteem. Now, he may be a nice guy. He is smart and very polite (the guy excuses himself to go to the "washroom" I mean really). But I don't foresee a future for us. Now, I came to this conclusion ... (interruption here) Resuming on Monday morning. Christ. I have been put in the situation where I have to break up with Adam and although I have tried, he refuses to hear what I am saying. Of course I am not totally guilt-free in this situation, I stay at his house and hang out with him when I shouldn't. But it is not that I don't think he is a great guy. He is just not the guy for me. I have tried the gentle, soft touch break-up and now I am going to be forced to do the ugly, mean kind. I am not looking forward to this. It is making me sick. I hate being the bad guy, and of course I am all wound up in guilt, as if somehow this whole situation is my fault. As if somehow I am a bad person because I am not feeling "it" (whatever it is, you know - when you like someone so much the thought of them gives you chills, or makes you feel as though you might vomit - either/or). Adam thinks that if I wait long enough I might fall madly in love, I have never heard of this happening. Aren't the first few months supposed to be the best? Oh god, I feel like the Grand Poobah of schmucks. Please, someone tell me I am not a terrible, awful person that needs to get tarred and feathered and dragged down 5th Ave roped to the back of a taxi cab. Took another PG test last night, this is becoming a ritual. Negative again, not sure why I have not bled. Doctor appointment next week. Hmm....could it be stress? It is definitely NOT under-eating. All these dinners out are making me fat and miserable. Party Saturday night (at Samara's) was uneventful, we were all exhausted from the night before. I had taken a nap and gone to a step class at the gym that still has me moaning in pain, so I felt fine. Left and went to J.B.'s. Lots of beautiful people crammed in to a v. small space. I was sweating like a pig. Wishing I could sit somewhere. Then Adam shows up and latches on to me and won't let go. I was deeply feeling that "trapped in a bad relationship" misery. [Now I know Adam knows this URL, but he is not supposed to read this - he PROMISED, and if he is - then it is his (YOUR OWN ADAM) fault]. The investment banker caught me waiting in line for the bathroom and was about to say something when I gave him a look said "This is a fucking nightmare". He disappeared after that. I had no choice but to leave the party with Adam and I was bitter (because I would have liked to stay - but not with him hanging all over me). We went home and I tried to break it off, and he refused to listen until the wee hours of the night. It sucked. Of course, yesterday I spent the day with him (in the 100 degree heat), went to the movies (Gladiator = Russell Crow = YUMMY, nuff said). It was so hot that I stayed at his place (he has AC) which now means I have to deal with getting the stuff back shit. I put myself in these situations - why, I do not know. I even missed Sex and the City. Meanwhile, on the opposite coast, my dear Dad has met his cyber-sweetie in person and I am waiting (none too patiently) to hear how this all went. Please, SOMEONE restore my faith in true love. ARRRGGGG .... I just got this goregous flower arrangement sent here from none other than Adam. If you say super-duper-schmuck twenty times fast and squeeze your eyes shut very tight do you suddenly see an image of me? I think so - let's all try it .... 12:27:33 - 2000-06-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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