kiwifruit's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Love, neurosis and ugly people First, to show everyone the truly disgusting side of the human race. It appears that all the people who thought it was funny to make fun of those less fortunate in the looks department in high-school have banded together to create a web site http://www.uglypeople.com . In order to make themselves feel better about themselves they have created this site to humiliate others. Always makes you warm and fuzzy inside. And what about this worlds TRULY ugly people? The Ivana Trumps of this world. Those who have more money than god, and more time to waste on manicures, pedicures, plastic surgery, personal trainers, facials, spa vacations, designer duds, and so on.......Those who after all this still look like holy hell? THESE are the people that should be on this web site. Not some poor 13 year old kid with acne and bad eyeglasses. It makes me crazy, it really does. I must of course put a disclaimer in, for all of those that know me and know that I spend a good amount of my time obsessing about my own looks. While this may be true. While I do judge myself rather harshly. I DO NOT ridicule others (unless they are complete assholes - then they deserve it). We are all born with a face and a body - we do with it what we can. Or we suffer. Or we are just bigger than all that and know that who you are is more important than the size of your ass. MY problem has always been that I wanted to be EVERYTHING. Nice, smart, genuine, giving, driven, successful, creative, and yes pretty. Moving on.....saw Nick and Candi and S. on Saturday night. Speaking of beautiful people. I was thinking after dinner how lucky I am to have such fabulous friends. Really, truly - not just because I know Nick and Candi will read this. It is not everyone who gets to have friends that are so smart, talented, warm, funny and beautiful (inside and out). It is not everyday that you meet people you want to curl up with and snuggle on a regular basis. When I see Candi and Nick I want to kiss them and then myself because I know I must be doing SOMETHING right to have people like this in my life. As we left the restaurant Copywriter (oh hell, this is getting old - Adam is his name) said to me "I'd like to fix one of my friends up with Nichole, but I don't think I know anyone good enough for her". I had to agree - it would take quite a man to match wits with Nick. I know it is a part of living in NYC that eventually many friends move on to greener (literally) pastures. Nick is going to go to Boston and become a famous artiste. Candi is going to Canada to make beautiful babies with S. Still, I know they will always be in my life via tortured emails if nothing else. And I cannot wait to go to Boston and celebrate Nick's first triumphant show. I am already planning my outfit. This weekend I took it easy. Easy defined as I did not imbibe huge amounts of booze and smoke like a chimney. Easy meaning I went to the gym on Saturday and cleaned my room (and changed my smarmy sheets). I went out to eat far too much and slept in both days. Sigh. It was heavenly. Adam has begun to bring words like "boyfriend" and "relationship" and "future" in to our conversations. The old me would jump at this chance to snag some small promise of stability. But .... I also know that jumping in to something too soon really only promises instability and heartbreak and stupid phone calls at two in the morning with me blubbering while well pickled from martinis. No. Even though Carrie does this on Sex and the City and manages to be cute and charming, this is really NOT cute and charming in any way shape or form and it is best to avoid. I woke up Saturday morning and started babbling to Adam (before my first cup of coffee mind you) about WHY? As in why do we even bother? And why are we together? And why do put ourselves through this time and again when we know it will fail in the end? And what do you (Adam) really like about me anyway? If I asked you to name five things could you? And what is going to happen in the future? And I don't think I can handle all this stress. And how oh how are we ever going to save those damn whales?!!? Adam just looked at me befuddled, ready for a nice morning cuddle session and instead getting this crazed, angst ridden neurotic bed partner where last he had looked it was Caedlighe. Then he says, "I think you are just panicking because our relationship is going to the next level". I believe I told him to fuck off then, because who needs logic when they are in a full blown neurosis driven, panic attack? Whew. Anyway, we got over that hurdle. Sometimes he amazes me, when these extremely intelligent, mature things come out of his mouth. It is not that he isn't mature and intelligent but still, it slays me and I usually want to rip his clothes off at this point because I feel so smitten. Adam has started tossing words such as "girlfriend" and "commitment" in to our conversations. He wants me to stop dating other people. And I can find no logical reason why I would want to date anyone else - except for this FEAR. Fear of being hurt. Fear of being dumped. Fear of finding someone else more perfect. Fear that Liev Schreiber will finally fall at my feet and profess undying love and I will have to turn him down.....So, Investment Banker calls again and I make tentative plans to see him again. But my conscience is getting the best of me and I cannot find any way to justify my actions. Going to see Woody Allen's latest tonight. Sorry dad, but I still think he is a genius. A complete pervert, but so very talented. While all other little girls wanted to be Cinderella and Snow White, I really just wanted to be Annie Hall. La di da. La di da.
19:27:19 - 2000-05-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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