kiwifruit's Diaryland Diary

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Apartment hunting and first loves.

1. Only in New York:

Only in NY does a hole in the wall apartment going for cheap in a nice neighborhood inspire such frenzy. Go to see this place on 30th and 3rd. I figure I have an in, since my friend Jonathan used to live there, and also - hey, I'm cute and charming. Enter apartment. The place is no palace and in normal circumstances I would run away screaming. It does have definite potential though - some paint and a good scrub and it will resemble the bohemian city pad I always pictured myself living residing in. The bedroom is tiny, no windows (come now that is asking way too much). A loft bed (wheee - much fun after five martinis. Kind of like a jungle gym for the more mature city slicker type.) The bedroom would basically act as a walk in closet with my bed stacked on top. I can live with that. No problem. The living room is large (by NY standards) with windows (oh boy!) that lead on to the roof (tanning anyone?). The kitchen is fair sized - big enough for me to make coffee and store my take out menus. Nice red counter tops - liked that. The bathroom is ....... well, it's a closet (only smaller). The guy wants to paint it a cool color, I am down with that. The shower is odd - you step up around a foot off of floor level in to it. Okay, I can handle this. What I am not sure I can handle is the competition. People were coming in droves to see this place. We all dutifully filled out little questionairres: What is your favorite magazine? What is your cleaning style? How often will you have overnight guests? Describe your typical weekday and weekend day...... Everyone was trying to be super charming. Bribery was running rampant - a dork in a bad suit said he worked for a carpet place and he would recarpet the apartment and level the floors (a bit of a downward slope going on in the living room), one girl said she cooked......one woman looked as if she would take her clothes off at any given moment. One guy kept following the potential roomate around trying to bond by saying things all prefaced by "dude", as in "dude, this place is perfect for me." . So, will I make the cut? Hard to say....time will tell. If I get the place I will jump on it as if I just got offered a room at the Plaza.

2. We are not who we think we are.

I would like to think that I am some sexy single woman who can date randomly and revel in her achievements and her ability to get enough free food to never have to buy groceries again. I obviously have some conflicts here, because although I am able to do this, I am plagued with guilt at the same time. The date was nice. Good food, nice bottle of Sonoman Cutrer (which is $30 in Vermont, but $50 in NY), nice "getting to know you" conversation. The investment banker is an upstanding guy. He was born in Stowe, and we all know only decent people come from Vermont (Jason Heinrich being the only exception I can think of). But the whole time I kept thinking that somehow I was being unfaithful and I felt like a schmuck. Not enough of a schmuck to say I wouldn't go out with him again, not enough of a schmuck to not kiss him goodnight. But ...... a schmuck none the less. I think this goes back to my real fear of actually really liking a guy. Not just liking him because I have him wrapped around my finger, or vice versa. The vice versa being where he treats me like dirt so I think he must be worth having and I kill myself to make things work. No. This is just nice, normal like. And it freaks me out. We are going to dinner tonight and I am compelled to tell him about last night. I did tell him I was dating other people, but then that kind of piddled out and I don't think this news would thrill him. It is our one month anniversary after all and I am sure I will have to start making some kind of decisions about what I want to do in this situation. Then there is the matter of my mad crush at the office. No. Not the New Zealander, he is old fruit. Now it is someone entirely different, and I find myself running back to the supply closet just so I can walk by his desk. This is truly, truly pathetic I realize that. He is out of my league, his ex girlfriend being some perfect model type. Still....it is fun to pretend I have the ability to make all men fall at my feet. Now Nick, don't you dare say a thing about how aggravating I am. We all know that in this big bad city I am like soggy white bread in a sea of nice firm gourmet loaves.

Had the talk with boss man. Life is good. I am (unexplainably) happy and it is odd. Especially since this happiness comes drug free. Yes, those little green and white pills no longer litter my insides (for over a month now). I feel like I have passed over the hump and come out much better off - maybe it is the Starbuck's frappuccino's. Maybe it is because I like my life and all blather and bullshit aside, I wouldn't change a thing (other than my apartment of course, and the size of my ass). Odd place to be for me. Maybe Dad was right when he said that once I hit 25 things would start looking up, it just took a bit longer than suspected.

4. Men know just when to call to put your world in a twirl.

Haven't spoken to Barry in a month. (the photographer to you Nick and Birdie) Last time we talked we got in to a fight. A fight in which I was stunned at how fast he could make me feel like a foolish seventeen year old again. Putting me right back in the place I lived in when we were together. No longer this strong, somewhat together woman that I am now. I got off the phone stunned and shaking. He called the next week from London and left me a voice mail apologizing, saying he hadn't gotten much sleep lately. (as if this gives him the right to patronize me). I never called him back. So last night I get another message from him on my cell phone and I have to listen to it over and over again because I am trying to decipher from his voice what he could possibly want. I remember MANY years ago playing his answering machine messages over and over just to hear his voice (and that stupid British accent). Oh. First love. Ouch. Still makes my heart ache. So I realize he is probably one of the only people that can make me cave. I also realize that even though he hasn't changed much in the last ten plus years, I am a completley different person. I also know that the next time I talk to him I will feel completley at ease telling him how shitty he made me feel and why. This is why I don't just write him off, out of my life. Because he still knows me so well and will be there for me if I ever am in dire need. Also because he was my first love, and my first heartbreak and being the hopeless romantic that I am I like to wallow around in all that piss and vinegar every once in awhile.

14:37:18 - 2000-05-18

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