kiwifruit's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Inventory Number of pages read in Dr. Phil�s new book promising to help me find my true self = 0. Number of pages in Zadie Smith�s �White Teeth� = 0. Number of pages in �The Devil Wears Prada� even though it�s total crap = 164. Level of humiliation at admitting I�m a trash book whore = 9.5 (gave myself a half point knowing that I�m not alone in this, lots of people read trash, and I did read the Sunday Times this week�well, okay. I read the Style section, A&E and the book review, but still� Number of times I obsessed about my body today = countless. Anxiety attacks = at least four. Trips to the gym = 1. Cigarettes = too many. Glasses of wine = 2. Stomach aches = 2. Moments where I felt like my job was going somewhere = 2. Moments where I felt like my job was going nowhere = 5. Blisters on my feet from wearing red stilettos to office yesterday = 3. Irritated thoughts about shitty fecking weather = 6 (or more). Insecure thoughts about job/boyfriend/life/self = 15. Times I told myself that I shouldn�t be so insecure = 13. Times I felt like harming another human being because they a) got in my way, b) tried to steal my treadmill at the gym or b) stood in one place for too long in moving NYC traffic = 6. Fantasy moments where I wished I could purchase the perfect outfit/beauty product/piece of jewelry/logo accessory/furnishing or kitchen utensil = 10. So�another normal day. Feeling very, very oh so very premenstrual. I am dangerous right now, people should steer clear. Small harmless animals should steer clear. Today I swung back and forth between wanting to cry (for no reason), wanting to kill someone (for almost no reason) and wanting to eat the frosting off of 150 black and white cookies. Sigh. Didn�t want to go to the gym, didn�t want to go to the gym. But forced myself due to fear that I might disembowel C. with nothing more than a chopstick if I didn�t. Left gym and immediately went to wine store. Called best friend during walk home and left her message: �It is a shameful moment indeed when you find yourself leaving the gym, walking next door directly to the wine store and then lighting a cigarette up while walking home still sweaty and dressed in gym garb. This is exactly what I am doing.� I get a small comfort in knowing that aside from a few minor differences (she lives in Connecticut thus drives to the gym and wine store) she was probably doing exactly the same thing. Okay, I�m washing my face and crawling into bed with my stomach ache and my trashy book. La di da. La di da. 10:12 p.m. - 2003-05-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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