kiwifruit's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What you have and what you have not We�re all trying awfully hard aren�t we? And yet it seems I�m not trying hard enough. There are things I either have to stop bitching about and just do or forget about all together so that I don�t drive myself crazy with dissapointment. Of course I am mostly talking about writing my stupid book which seems increasingly improbable. You see I am paralyzed. Not sure if this paralysis is because my entire life is a mess of instability or if deep down inside I just don�t think I have what it takes. Or maybe it�s a little of both. Or maybe it�s neither. Last night I went to �our� wine bar (population 10 women, 2 men � both of whom were employees) for dinner with a girlfriend. It was our anti Super Bowl Sunday activity. Next door at the sports bar men of all shapes and sizes were pouring out the doors onto the street. We considered going in for around ten seconds and then hightailed it home. I watched an extremley depressing movie and ate chocolate covered gummy bears until my stomach felt like it might turn inside out. I wasn�t a happy camper yesterday. I felt very bad about myself. I felt very bad about my situation. I felt very hopeless. I felt very sad. I felt very lonely. Went to bed at 10:30, woke up at 12:11 AM in a sweaty panic. My brain wouldn�t stop reeling, I couldn�t breathe. And the worst part of it all was that I couldn�t cry which is what I really wanted to do. Well, cry or sleep, but sleep was out of the question. I got out of bed and did some work (no, not on my book�that would be just too good to be true). Finally at 3 AM I forced myself to go back to bed. I tossed and turned, I thought of the army of gummy bears marching through my stomach. Eventually I quieted my mind by �ohming� which I find completley ridiculous, but hey, it worked. Got out of bed this morning, ordered coffee and repeated to myself over and over again�today is a new day, today is a new day. Went to the gym and ran on the treadmill like my life depended on it. My life may very well depend on it. Tomorrow I head to Brooklyn to substitute teach at a private pre-school. I am scared of these smart, New York kiddies�I am afraid they will be able to look inside me and see all the turmoil. Aren�t kids supposed to have some sort of sixth sense about these kinds of things? I think these kids might be smarter than me, have more going for them than I do. I am jealous of pre-schoolers. This is very sad. Spent Friday night with C. We had a great time. Spent Saturday night out with the girls looking out at a room of men in ridiculous outfits prancing and preening. I was miserable. I missed C. However, in all liklihood he was somewhere downtown in a ridiculous outfit doing some prancing and preening of his own. You just can�t win can you? 4:58 p.m. - 2003-01-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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