kiwifruit's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Deep Freeze The big news is I am no longer a lying, two-timing, gold digger with no morals. Well, at least not any more. I have effectivley removed myself from the boss-man situation. No muss, no fuss. My conscience is clear. Whew, that�s a relief. Spent the week job hunting. A sure fire way to plunge oneself into overwhelming depths of despair. Trudging around in arctic weather in a skirt and heels being told that basically there was no chance in hell I was going to get a job in the forseeable future. Yeah, it�s more than a little discouraging. Really makes a person question just about every choice she�s made in her life. Really makes a person wonder what the hell she�s going to do with her life. I see my dreams flit out the window faster than I can even form them. I mean okay, so my career path so far has been a little choppy, so maybe I haven�t found my niche�but does that make me a bad person? Does that make me unemployable? And does being unemployable make me unloveable? Will I ever get anywhere in life? Am I going to be scared and broke and alone all my life? It�s really difficult when you�re trying so hard to not get anywhere. I keep on thinking��Okay, today has to be the day that I get a break�there is only so much crap God or whoever can heap on one person at one time right?� I have always been able to get through rough times by knowing deep down inside that things would always get better. And of course I have always been right�but this time around it seems that the punches keep rolling in. Maybe it�s me�maybe I just don�t have a positive enough attitude. Maybe I�m expecting too much. Maybe I�m not trying hard enough. My question is, how do I go about reaching into the depths of my wounded little soul and pull out something positive? How do I pull out more determination? More strength? Digging around in the junk drawer of my being�looking for these things. New York is cold. Cold. Cold. Unreasonably cold. Went out Friday night with the girls and spent the entire evening shivering. Decided to stay in on Saturday night with a stack of videos, frozen yogurt and chocolate covered Gummy Bears. The latter was much more enjoyable. Sunday night I had dinner with C. at Olivia, then watched a bad movie on TV. Woke up in the morning and went to the gym together, had a bad moment when he forced me to join him at K-Mart post-gym to buy a few neccesities for his new apartment. It was the sort of thing C. and I used to like doing together. He has this adorable fascination with any new cleaning product gimmick and he used to dance down the isles all excited to find some bleach soaked wipes or Swifter type gadget to put an end to dust and grime. But yesterday I couldn�t share his enthusiasm for toilet bowl cleaners and slatted blinds. I mean, it�s not my apartment, I�m not going to be using the waxes and sprays�what the fuck do I care? Things improved with lunch, seeing Frida at Angelika and then grocery shopping at Dean & Deluca for a pasta dinner. Post-movie I bounced down the street yelling, �I love the cold! This is so great! I can�t feel my ears! My teeth feel like ice cubes!� See, I�m trying to be positve. At Dean & Deluca I found myself once again on the verge of tears (hmm�maybe Kiwi is a bit pre-menstrual?) There I was surrounded by so much beauty�breads and vats of olives, fancy oils, goregous cakes, pre-made salads packaged in beautiful black and white boxes�and there I was with C., and I thought to myself�Uh-oh, here we go again. Falling in love with New York again, falling in love with C. again, and feeling like I could lose either or both very soon. I didn�t feel sad, I felt kind of happy�just cautious, just in awe�just scared and happy and unsure and a myriad of other things�but not sad. So we went back to his apartment and cooked dinner and watched another movie on TV and went to bed and cuddled like our lives depended on it (which maybe they do). Everyone asks me what�s going on with C. and I. I wish I had an answer. As long as we live in this little bubble where it is just the two of us, then it all seems safe and good. It feels like we are new all over again�it feels like we�re discovering eachother and New York all over again. But I know that there are tons of questions on the tip of my tongue that will have to spill out soon. I know that we can�t keep this up forever. This �pretend� relationship where we keep saying that no, we�re not getting back together. We�re just friends. Yuh. Friends who lived together for two years. Friends who love(d) eachother. Friends who talk on the phone every day and sleep together. We will eventually have to make the decision, do we try and make this work despite everything that has happened, or do we just let each other go for good. I�m not looking forward to this moment. I know that I can live without C. in my life, I�m just not sure that I want to. Am I just prolonging the agony here? Wait�don�t answer that. La di da. La di da. 4:41 p.m. - 2003-01-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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