kiwifruit's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Running on Empty Brrrrr! It�s really fecking cold here. What happened to those lovely chilly days where I could run in Central Park with just a nip in the air? What happened to the �sweater days� where you need a sweater to ward of the breeze but not yet coat? I mean did we have any of these days? Was I sleeping? Yeesh. This sucks. I am now confined to a winter of running on the treadmill. Pounding away staring blindly at the bank of televisions floating over my head. Yuck. Yesterday after yoga I boarded the treadmill, hit �quick start� and started trotting away like a rat in his/her wheel. After around fifteen minutes I thought, �Fuck this. I am always either theoretically or literally running on a Goddamn treadmill. This is crap. Today I�ll just run in theory�, and I got off the stupid thing. Course the truth is only one of those kinds of running prevents my ass from sagging and hitting the floor. So today I�ll be back on the stupid torture machine with Liz Phair blasting in my headphones trying to feel less angry or less stressed or at the very least, less fat. Oh, and by the way�why oh why must people see me and say, �You look healthy�? I know that this is just a hangover from years of being eating disordered but when people say this to me I hear �fat�. As in, �You were so skinny before and now you look healthy�. People love to say this to me (it�s not just you Candi-kins don�t worry). It makes me want to cry every time I hear it. Well, cry and dive headfirst into a round of severe dieting which frankly, I don�t have the stomach for anymore (no pun intended). So last night at the movies I ate a huge bag of Raisinettes. Chocolate covered fruit. Not good. But the movie was so fecking awful I had to have something to entertain myself. C. and I went to see The Ring which sucked in every way it�s possible for a movie to suck. And the worse part is�it sucked this badly and I didn�t get it. So now not only did I waste two hours watching total garbage, but also I have to actually waste more time thinking about what the hell they were trying to do with the stupid plot. C. can�t understand why I�d even care. But I can�t help it; I�m my father�s daughter. So today I will once again attempt to job hunt without letting the feeling of despair and hopelessness take over. Oh, and we really are being evicted from our apartment. Came home on Monday to the papers taped to our door, which is really kind of embarrassing, although this should be the least of my worries. I am very grateful that C. is such a successful Wall Street type of guy (and also one who loves my unemployed ass unconditionally), because otherwise my new residence might be a cardboard box on the street. So really it�s a wonder in all this that I�ve managed to stay relatively sane. It�s a miracle that I�m not a total wreck. That being said, I�m going to start my daily round of obsessive behaviors�cleaning, exercising, job searching, eating, cleaning, exercising, job searching, eating� Isn�t this fun? La di da. La di da. 9:40 a.m. - 2002-10-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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