kiwifruit's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Trip (Oh, I lost my feet...) "We only keep what we lose." - May Sarton In the interest of not frustrating both myself and you by trying to pour all that has been going out in one late night, insomnia driven writing stint I�ll just stick to one thing at a time. What interesting tid-bit shall I choose? Well, hmmm�this ought to do. (All names have been changed of course to protect the innocent, the not-so innocent and the as yet unborn�) "I missed X's birthday too. i was all the way around the corner, though,so i also have an excuse... fuck! my explanation for this lapse in familial obligation comes to you from the department of what a different some weeks make: try this on for size: I'm going to be a dad, myself. Yup, knocked-up like a pair of Puerto Rican teenagers...shotgun wedding in the end of May officiated by a judge not a priest as i am (as you know) divorced, and X is (as you may or may not know, the kind of catholic who doesn't realize that about 40 years ago vatican II struck down the stricture that previous marriages had to end annulment in order to be remarried). Moving out of Hoyt Street into a coop on State and Henry in the heights...will probably be piloting a volvo wagon by the time the baby arrives (ETA: October 20)...that's right, married and a father by THIS Halloween... it's not so much a headache as a head rush...truth is i'm very excited at the prospect of one, marrying X, and two having an heir to Xland not that didn't make all manner of fuss when I realized I was going to have to give up the window seat...forever. also, oddly, the sand that's always been blowing around under the feet of my psyche is turning to stone...i swear i can feel it." Yep. It�s true. The Feet is getting married (again) and is becoming a dad. My response to this email was less than ideal, although I suppose it was better than the first time he told me he was going to marry someone else (six or so years ago). I did my best to sound happy, said something about how I was positive he�d move gracefully into the position and be a wonderful dad�which, in all honesty is true�I do think he�ll be a great dad. Then, in a moment of true New York-ness I asked him what he thought he might be doing with his apartment since he was moving. I mean, hey, it�s a great apartment with a garden in the back even�I couldn�t help myself. Geez. In his reply he said he�d give me another chance to muster up something better. I will take him up on this eventually. Just letting it sit right now. Of course I knew we�d never really manage to pull things together�not even sure I ever really wanted the real deal, but when someone is your fantasy for fifteen plus years (no matter how ridiculous this fantasy is) it�s a little hard to let it go. I guess I missed my chance. I guess I missed around twenty of the chances he gave me. But somehow I never really could get over the fear in my heart. And then there is C�but that is another story and I�m only dropping one bomb tonight. It�s all I can take. Having given up smoking (can you even imagine?!) and having already gnawed my way through half a pack of Nicorette this evening, I think this is a wise choice on my part. Have to give him credit though�he sure knows how to rock my world. 11:15 p.m. - 2002-04-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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