kiwifruit's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back and More Whiney than ever... The good news is ... everyone thinks I look skinny (hallelujah!). The bad news is, I am sick (SICK I SAY!) of feeling heart-sick. Seeing Ani Difranco this weekend couldn't be better timed. If Patrick looks at me one more time with the gleam of a trapped and scared animal in his eyes I am going to kill him. I never asked him to be so wonderful at first, it is not my fault that his latest incarnation as commitment-phoebe, selfish, inconsiderate man is a bit of a shock to me. I thought I had found someone I could trust. Oh please ... this is pathetic. The only thing I can try and find solace in is that he will probably miss me when I go. Then again ... maybe he will be thrilled. Remains to be seen. But I am tired of feeling like a pathetic, spineless pushover. I HATE it when I feel like this. I want to kick my own ass for being such a jerk. Feck it, plenty of fish in this dirty ol' sea right? Time to move on and all that stuff that is easy to say and not so easy to do. But oh how I love his sorry self. And overall he is a decent human being. He does more than a lot of other men do. But last night when I asked him if he was happy he didn't give me a very strong "yes", it was more like a "sometimes" and not a v. convincing one at that. And he said something to the effect of how he wasn't' sure he wanted to be with me all the time. Now, I am no expert on affairs of the heart, and honesty and candor are good and all that, but methinks this does not bode well. And besides - ouch! Who wants to hear such a thing? I am not asking him to commit to me other than to commit to the fact that he wants to TRY and be with me, and it seems he isn't capable of even this. After two months I think he should at least have that figured out. Do I ask too much?!!? I guess coming from a guy who can't even commit to a full time job maybe it is asking too much. Sigh. Oh, and can I just add that we had this whole conversation last night on my stoop while he was in a bug costume (big googley eyes and all)?!!? Halloween. Trick or treat? V. scary. So, now more good news that has nothing to do with failed relationships or the size of my ass. First, I have an interview at my fave web site ... Vivianlives.com!!! I sent them the link to my diary and they responded. I am/was truly shocked and excited. It is nice to get positive feedback on my writing even though a lot of the time I feel like all I am doing is whining and spewing meaningless stories about my so called life. Atleast I know I do it well! Expert whiner, I should put that on my resume. Now of course I am asking the ever important question - What should I wear?!!? The interview is tomorrow night so let's all cross our fingers and say a few prayers for ol' Kiwi. I am getting my hair cut tonight at some big salon where the Sahag or whoever (I forget) is overseeing while his students cut. Good lord, am I insane? Still ... I haven't gotten my hair cut in around four months, and I don't even want to discuss the color (around fifty different shades of auburn, brown, and gasp! grey). Isn't it a rule NEVER get your hair cut before an interview, date, wedding - whatever? Oh well, I had M&Ms and coffee for breakfast today ... rules are made to be broken. La di da, la di da. 14:17:23 - 2000-11-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||