kiwifruit's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Love is like falling Friday the 13th - 8:30am and so far living up to it's reputation. I would be tired if I weren't feeling so twisted up and sad inside. Now Nicks and Candi, before you reach for the phone, email, whatever ... I will assure you that I am FINE. I will be FINE. Have I not been through all this bullshit before? Have I not prevailed? Although it is true that my goal today is to make it through without breaking into tears at the office. The bitch of being blissfully happy and in love and everyone seeing it and knowing it, is that when it all falls to pieces everyone sees that too. At least he doesn't work here anymore (Since "Black Wednesday" when the Advertising world was shaken by a tiny little Agency downtown laying off 20 people - which to put things in perspective, is a little less than a third of our entire staff - and yeah, everyone sighs and says "That's the business". Yuck.) So I am still employed, but now I am heartbroken, and the only thing I have to look forward to is the impending weight loss married with puffy eyes and chain smoking (Yeah, I know, I quit. But something is telling me that now is not the time - and I had two cigarettes on the way to the office this morning). So what happened? What happened?!!? A week ago we were celebrating my 3oth Birthday and things were as happy as can be. Then everyone got fired, and he went away for the weekend, and I spent the weekend writing and doing all this soul searching and getting all sad. Then he came back and we didn't get a chance to connect and I acted weird and cold. And then he pulled back and I acted even weirder and colder. And then last night we finally had a chance to talk and he said the felt "Pressured". And I knew we were done. Because "Feeling pressured" is the same as "Feeling smothered" and "Needing space" and they all mean the same thing, "Get me the FUCK out of this relationship". So he insists he doesn't want to break up, but I don't see how he expects to take around twenty steps back and have me act like this is okay. Because it's not okay. It is fucked up and impossible. And more than anything I am disappointed because I thought he was different and here he goes acting just like a typical, textbook guy. And more than disappointed I feel sad. Sad. Sad. But I am all cried out right now so I am spending time in the bathroom emptying out my insides, feeling sick to my stomach and sad. Did I mention how SAD I feel? So I guess it is true that if things seems too perfect than you had better start waiting for the other shoe to drop. Thud. At work I am totally useless. My supervisor takes one look at me and tells me I can go home whenever I want, I won't miss much today. "They say losing love is like a window in your heart, everyone sees your blown apart" So he wants to see me tomorrow night. I was supposed to go see his band play in Tompkins Square Park and then we were supposed to go to a party. And I know that I shouldn't go, I know that I am selling myself short if I do. And I know I have my friends to support me and I can cry on their shoulders all weekend and we can drink cosmopolitans and talk about what assholes men are. So I should remove myself from the relationship, and from him. And I am praying I will find the strength to do this. I don't know which would be worse, to see him and have this huge awful-ness between us, or to not see him and spend my time thinking of all the things he is doing. Thinking about all the people he is seeing who will inevitably ask where I am, and then I will imagine what his answer will be and how everyone will have an opinion ... and how everyone will get this sad look on their faces and say how they thought we were so good together and how it is too bad. It is too bad. I thought this one was different. And I loved him ... I really did. Oh right, I still do. Aint that a bitch? 11:26:32 - 2000-10-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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