kiwifruit's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Manhattan as inspiration Monday. Grey and rainy outside - but as far as Monday's go, I feel pretty good. Actually feel as though I am bubbling over with potential. In my logical mind I am very excited about my upcoming birthday. On the illogical side I am suicidal (30. THIRTY. No brilliant career [though I like the filthy world of advertising allright], no wonderful man, thus no children, haven't written my brilliant novel, haven't done a lot of things ... and here I am, my life nearly over [joke folks], and still sleeping on a mattress on the floor and I have been informed that I am no longer such a catch and that I will have to start compromising if I want to catch a man [this was seriously said to me this weekend - to which I wondered why I had to START compromising, as if I hadn't been doing it my entire 15 or so years of dating life]). Thirty has always seemed like the age of opportunity. As a woman I am still holding up (relatively well), I am smarter than I was at 20, I have the resources to do all the things I want in actuality without just dreaming about them. Plus, I am supposed to be at my sexual peak right? So really my fears lie in knowing all this and NOT doing anything. I could just live my next ten years like my last - and that is what I don't want to do. I have accomplished my biggest dream (living in New York), and so now I have to tackle a few more. No problem right? And here I am wondering if I am just too tired to make it to the gym (erm ... get off that lazy, aging ass kiwi!). What do I want to do? 1. Be able to do pretzel yoga poses. 2. Write a brilliant novel (or hey, just a short story) - and get it published. 3. Take advantage of living in NY (ya know, get some culture baby). 4. Run in a marathon (oh christ, I'll take a 10K). 5. Fall in love for real (with someone who meets at least HALF of all my criteria). 6. Be able to spend a Friday or Saturday night at home doing nothing without feeling like a loser. 7. Learn more. Read more. Take a class or two. I always wanted to be as smart as the people in Woody Allen movies (although not as neurotic). As it is, I have the neurosis down but not the intellect. 8. Do my laundry and dry-cleaning in a timely manner. 9. Be as strong and self-assured as I pretend to be. 10. Do all the things that I know make me happy that I never do because I am too busy, too lazy, too miserable, or too something (listen to great music, paint, drink coffee on Sunday mornings with a good friend or just a good book, dance, exercise, nap, go to movies, go to the park ... and so on). This weekend was good for me. Aside from the usual stuff I feel like I am noticing things more now. I am really appreciating the moments when I realize how happy I am, or how beautiful something is, or how much I appreciate a friend, or how good something feels ... I had several of these epiphany moments this weekend. Seeing Patrick's band (great!), eating amazing food (and dealing with total NY attitude) at Asia de Cuba, going to the Met, watching Woody Allen's Manhattan and snoozing on the couch with Michael. Of course I always feel inspired after seeing Manhattan or Annie Hall because these movies shaped who I wanted to be when I was growing up (scary thought, I know). And to know that I have accomplished the one dream that has been consistent throughout my entire life is encouraging. So ... here I am ... what next? Oh yes, darling Nick is redesigning my diary page (that is next), so we all wait for baited breath to see what the artiste extroidinaire comes up with ... Ta!
19:17:44 - 2000-08-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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