kiwifruit's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The love train I feel like I�ve been through the ringer. I�ve been having these dreams where C. and I break up for a myriad of reasons�cheating, death and general disappointment in one another. It sucks. I wake up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat, surrounded by a sense of dread. Everyone has these dreams right? They�re normal. Last night my best friend who has been married for a month or so called me in hysterical tears. �He�s a monster. He�s an asshole. I hate his guts.� I tried to explain to her that this was bigger than just �breaking up� now they�d have to sign papers and such. Not really the right thing to say I guess. Plus, she�s a lawyer I�m sure she already knows this. I assured her that she was just upset, it was just a fight�it wasn�t the end of the world, or more importantly, the relationship. Everyone fights. The thing is, when you�re married, packing your bags and leaving the fucker doesn�t seem like as much of a possibility. What is it that I heard? That the original marriage contract was merely a slave contract with the word �slave� crossed out and the word �wife� written in. Lovely thought huh? Any-hoo. I find myself more and more detached from C. I�m not sure if this is just a protective reaction to being disappointed so many times or if I really don�t care as much anymore. Or maybe this detachment is healthy? When said best friend was blubbering over the impending demise of her young marriage I finally pulled the reason for all the tears out of her�he hadn�t called when he said he would. Whaaa? I mean please, C. almost never calls me when he�s out for the night. If he does I nearly die of shock. Sure he says he�ll call but I never believe him. It�s like me saying over and over again that I�ll stop eating so much sugar�It�s never. Going. To. Happen. So I give up. I figure I have to pick my battles and this is just a small blip on the radar screen. I�m still undecided if whether this newfound detachment shows that we are evolving or dissolving as a couple. Are we moving ahead or backward? Or are we just stuck and not moving at all? Here�s the thing, the more I push away, the harder C. tries. Typical. I mean we all know this about men. But why do they have to be so damn predictable? Just once it would be nice to be madly in love, to be frothing at the fucking mouth with it, and to have a guy feel the same. That�s the key to making love work�never fall out of love at the same time. That way there is always someone willing to fight to make the relationship work. Pretty cynical right? Besides, I heard that sage bit of advice while watching the Britney Murphy/Ashton Kutcher disaster �Just Married� (don�t even ask why I was watching it) so how valuable can it be? Well, actually�I think it�s kind of true. Tell me if this is normal�a few Sunday�s ago we were boarding a packed train back to the city from the beach. C. and I couldn�t sit together so we went in search of single seats. Mine just happened to be next to one of the sexiest guys I�ve ever seen. Really. It was pure coincidence that I picked this seat�I was busy juggling the Fashions of the Times issue and my gargantuan ice coffee�I wasn�t seeking this one out. But once I realized I was sitting next to this gorgeous creature I couldn�t breathe. He made a little small talk with me and finally I had to put my headphones on and pretend to be asleep because I swear to God, I could smell this guys soap or whatever and it was making me insane. I was actually fantasizing about him while we sat squashed there in the seats next to each other in the freezing cold ice box that they call the LIRR. I was dying folks � really. So much so that I thought I could actually feel his hand brush up against my thigh. And I was thinking crazy things (no, not things that involve whip cream and other fridge contents). I was thinking that there was no way this was just normal , that this was fate! That I absolutely had to pass this guy my number because we were meant to be together and make beautiful babies or whatever. Did I slip him my digits? Course not. And in the cab on the way home C. teased me about sitting next to such a stud-muffin. This is normal right? I�m not falling out of love am I? That would just blow. We have such a nice apartment. Hardy har har har. I was kidding�sort of. La de da. La de da. 4:51 p.m. - 2003-08-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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