kiwifruit's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This is not my beautiful life 3:57 in the afternoon. For around five minutes I felt like a normal human being. First time today! Hurrah! Hurrah! 4:02 in the afternoon. Realized hurrahs were result of mainlining caffeine. Now feel jittery and as though I might crawl out of my skin. But still, it�s an improvement over how I felt this morning. Not feeling so hot. Last week I felt as though someone had slipped me a mickey for around three days straight. Thing is, unless the guy at the deli who serves me my morning coffee has a very sick sense of humor, this is not really a possibility. I think I am falling into the depths of despair. Either that or I�ve been bitten by a tick or a mosquito and have the corresponding diseases (lyme/west nile). All day long I count the seconds until I can go home and crawl into bed. After work I drag my ass to the gym, slog, slog, slog on the treadmill. Sing along to Liz Phair. Slog home. Make a salad. Watch reality TV. Crawl into bed. Close my eyes and�can�t sleep. Here�s the thing - I have accomplished nothing. I have accomplished nothing, and from the looks of things, I will continue to accomplish nothing for a very, very long time. Because I�m exhausted. Okay, I�m exhausted and I�m also more than a little lazy. Where does one muster up the energy to keep on doing the same meaningless crap every day? But more importantly, where does one muster up the energy to do something other than the same meaningless crap every day. Maybe if I ate more vegetables? Maybe if I drank less coffee? Maybe if I quit smoking? Maybe if I didn�t stay up until well past 3 am on most Fridays & Saturdays? Maybe if I became a Buddhist? Maybe if I did more yoga? Maybe if I had more sex? I am one of those people who is a sucker for the self-help section of the bookstore, for Oprah magazine, for �finding my inner child� and then of course �healing my inner child�. Whatever. I find hope in these things. I feel a sense of calm sitting in Barnes & Noble plotting my new life. For around ten seconds. Then I lose all hope and start feeling exhausted. How does a person find faith in themselves? How does one find the wherewithal to conquer the world when the thought of simply doing their laundry seems daunting and far too difficult? Help! I�m a Type A personality trapped inside a slacker�s body. There�s no escape. 4:32 p.m. - 2003-08-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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