kiwifruit's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Bag Lady Well, it�s officially been a week since I�ve become a freshly minted single gal. I�m still not entirely sober. I am telling myself that this is a one day at a time sort of situation. I am telling myself that I�ve just got to do whatever it takes to get through this with as little agony as possible. I am eternally grateful for the group of gal pals (n� guy pals) that have rallied around me in this whole mess. Saturday night after the fateful move I met everyone at �our� wine bar for dinner. It felt like my birthday there was so much good will and support. Well okay, maybe not my birthday, but still� So, Saturday came and went. I was good. I was so strong that I surprised myself. I didn�t allow one ounce of feelings to enter my hardened little heart. I put on my armor and popped a half a valium and zombied through the three hours it took to move my life into a tiny little storage closet. Somehow I don�t think he appreciated my comment, �So, like my new apartment?�. He looked at me as though I�d just stabbed him in the heart. Well, tough. I was just trying to be funny. Ha Ha Ha. In fact I only cried once and they weren�t out of control bawling tears just a little spasm that we both did our best to ignore. I cried when I had to put �Margaret� into storage, this huge grave stone rubbing that was in my Grandmother�s apartment, then my mother�s house and then every apartment I�ve ever had. Margaret symbolizes home to me and to put her into storage broke my heart�it made me realize that this is really happening. Yes. This is really happening. The things I kept out of storage are all in plastic Hefty bags and suitcases. When I have to get dressed it�s like a game of hide n� seek. I am sleeping in two (or three if you count the night I crashed at my new boy toy�s pad) different apartments. I have my essentials in my big LV speedy bag and I walk around like a well-dressed bag lady. I haven�t been to the gym in a week. I keep promising myself that I�ll go but when you are living on half a balance bar a day it seems kind of a mute point. In the morning I leave my girlfriend�s apartment in the East Village and wander through my old haunts feeling oddly liberated and optomistic. I love the East Village. It feels like New York to me. I walk to the train and transfer three times to make it back to the UWS to the dotcomedy office where I charge my cell phone and pull some clothes out of a plastic bag. Then I spend the rest of the day trying to wake up and trying to write and mostly talking on the phone and doing my best not to let the sadness catch up with me. Tonight I go in to train for my new glamourous position as waitress/hostess. I am very excited. I am so glad I graduated Magna Cum Laude so I could sling overpriced French food at a midtown restaurant/lounge. But, as I�ve been saying�a girl�s gotta do what a girl�s gotta do. I am a bit tired, emotionally and physically. Actually I�m more than a bit tired. I�m fecking exhausted. I fell asleep yesterday for around 20 minutes while in the tanning bed (trying to get a healthy glow going despite my lifestyle of late). I woke up when the lights clicked off and literally had to shake my head in order to bring myself back to reality. I thought maybe I had been captured my aliens and the tanning bed was their space ship. So tonight I have to drag my ass down to the restaurant and be as charming as possible. Wish me luck one and all. It�s really unfortunate for all men that C. has let me loose in the city in the state of mind that I�m in. I�ve kept myself busy with the boy toy and with several other irons that I have in the fire. As my wise friend Steve said, �The only way to get over a man is to get under another�. Yeah well�he may have a point. Although this gal isn�t getting �under� anyone for quite some time. In fact she�s having loads of fun making sure she�s on top in all interactions with the male race. As I�ve said�I plan on eating the next one for breakfast, lunch and dinner�then if I�m still hungry I�ll have the poor boy for dessert. But yes, this too shall pass...someday I'll be there again falling...the fact that human beings have the ability to love again and again even though 99.5% of the time it ends up in heartbreak, is amazing to me. Are we all just gluttons for punishment? Or is there something that makes it really worth it? The feeling of that first kiss or the joy of having someone look at you with such pure love in their eyes that it just kills you. Or a million other small things that you capture in a brief moment when you look at the person you love and feel that safety and love and contentment inside. That must be what it is. Or at least I think that's what it is for me. I remember on last Sunday night as C. and I were climbing into bed with our books I looked over at him, ruffled his hair and said, "You really are magnificent". Pffft. Monday night we broke up. La di da. La di da. 2:45 p.m. - 2002-11-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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