kiwifruit's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Letting Go and Holding On Letting Go� Sometimes, I reach the end of the day and realize that I�ve done (almost) everything right. Don�t get me wrong. I�m not saying I�ve reached nirvana here. I haven�t found a higher power that�s left me in one of those zen states that�s totally annoying to everyone around but the blissful soul actually experiencing it. No. Heavens no. I mean I ate two bowls of cereal for dinner. And this morning I kicked a hairbrush violently across the room in my pre-work grumpiness. No zen here. Here�s the thing. I�m learning to let go. I feel the ol� gears of my inner workings creaking a bit�they�re not click clacking along in constant motion, they need a few more doses of WD-40. But they aren�t rusted stuck anymore either. And letting go of some things isn�t so bad. In fact, ask any smart, well-adjusted person (if you can find one) and they�ll tell you that it�s essential to a happy, healthy life. And the things I�m letting tumble out of my tight little grasp are really small victories. Small, personal victories that might mean nothing to anyone else. But to me they are a baby steps, and baby steps are better than no steps at all. In fact, they feel pretty good. This taking care of myself (or at least trying to the best of my ability). It�s not so bad. I still hate my job, I still wish I was �er� as in blond�er�, thinn�er�, smart�er�, rich�er�, nic�er�. But maybe it�s because spring is in the air. Maybe it�s because I went to M.A.C. today and bought a rainbow sorbet array of new lipglosses. Or maybe it�s because I�ve realized that I just can�t control everything. And the less I try, the better off I am. There are some things to obsess about, and there are some things that just aren�t. And the more you try to make life be more �er�, the less time you have to enjoy what it is. And what it is is not so bad. Christ. I sound like Mary Poppins. I�ll stop now. Last week and weekend went by in a blur. I needed a vacation when Monday hit, but obviously I�ve recovered and gotten enough sleep seeing my sickly sweet view of the world today. Last Thursday we went to the �50 Fabulous Women Dance Party� at DVF�s studio on 12th Street. A friend of mine was one of the �fabulous�, I got in as �press�. We boogied down in a room decorated with lots of pink feathers and such. Samantha Ronson DJ�ed looking just as androgynous and miserable as ever, but damn, she played some good old school so all is forgiven. Go ahead, roll your eyes, but I was pretty proud of my ensemble�black vintage dress, Prada strappy sandals, patent leather little clutch and big white lily in my hair. Friday went to Torch with friends, sat in a big cozy booth and listened to Sinatra-esque crooner. Saturday went to Titou for their delicious warm asparagus salad, then to Bottom Line to hear Kenny�s band play. Drank too much and spent the evening fending of my gorgeous friend Hillary�s many unsuitable suitors. Sunday�super bowl of course. Ate enough melted cheese dip to down a horse. Realized I was in a room where almost everyone else was married (and they�re all our friends! When the hell did this happen?!) Ate more cheese dip. C. and I are approaching our one year anniversary. My how times change. Valentines day last year I was licking my wounds from the Patrick fiasco. Two days later, wearing dirty Levis five sizes too big, my favorite beat up red Converse, with my hair in a knot on top of my head I met C. And the rest is�well, the rest is life. And like I said, it�s not so bad.
9:50 p.m. - 2002-02-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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